mercoledì, maggio 03, 2006

I’ve got class coming out of me arse, mate

I have a little problem with the word ‘faggot’. I love that word. Not to say to someone who looks or acts gay or effeminate, but exclusively to bad drivers and ex-boyfriends. Well, actually I only think it with ex-boyfriends because yelling insults at them isn’t my idiom. And it’s clear to me why I think it then; it’s an emasculization or a de-sexualization, a way of saying ‘we had a romantic liason so unutterably unsatisfactory to me that you are a failure as a heterosexual, and if I wasn’t so well-bred I’d tell you so in a very insulting way.’

So I never use it once I’ve thought for a moment because it’s a word that seems too offensive to incidental parties. But if a driver changes lanes in front of me without signaling or checking his blindspot and I have a visceral sensation that I have been close to death or dismemberment at his (and yes, it’s usually a man) hands, I scream, “Faggot!” and immediately feel better. The times I control myself and refrain from screaming “Faggot!” I stew.

I don’t know what to do about this. I should just suck it up, since in terms of a global cost-benefit analysis the good feeling I get from yelling “Faggot!” at bad drivers doesn’t compensate for the possible bad feelings of any gay guys in earshot. But I need a replacement, I need another word to scream. “Cunt” is too short; “shithead”, “asswipe”, “dillhole” and “asshole” too smooth, “dumbass” and “jackass” too twee, “motherfucker”, “sisterfucker”, and “cocksucker” too long, “fuckwit” too esoteric in a Canadian context, “jerk”, “bastard” and “retard” too weak . . . I’m thinking of “dickweed” – the only problem with that one is that it was used in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure when Bill screams “you killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!” while attacking Ted’s putative killer. A line so well timed and delivered I think it belongs to Alex Winter forever.

Ahhhhh. Plus ça change . . .

Jean-François Revel is dead. It makes me sad. He was an infuriating writer, absolutely infuriating, yet he managed to be a coherent voice of dissent in France where the intellectual norm is just a loud cacophony of meaningless, antogonistic prose. Oh well. At least the French still make decent pastry. And they live right next to Italy, that's pretty sweet too.

5 commenti:

Masonic Boom ha detto...

I found swearing in other languages to be immensely satisfying. Dutch swearing is the best - not sure of the spelling but the gutteral "Gotverdammer!" is a great way of expressing contempt.

"Motherpussbucket" and "assbandolier" are my favourite ways of swearing without actually saying anything rude. They just roll so gratifyingly off the tongue.

Some day, I will write a dictionary/etymology of swearing... I learned how to swear in Finnish last. "Painuu Vituum!" (not sure of the spelling, but it means, literally "go to a pussy!")

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

I love French and Italian exclamations and imprecations to the degree they've become automatic - the epithets not so much. Too smooth. "Pute" is nice, especially addressed to a man, but too short. I really need two syllable with plosive consonal sound.

Figaro taught me a couple German ones which were also pretty nice and of course I've forgotten. Drugs. Damn.

Dr Wommm ha detto...

I swear by "Fuckincunt" rapidly spat out as one word. Then again I am blessed with a broad south London accent, which was designed for swearing and insults, which means the t at the end turns into a foul glottal stop which only Russians and Mayans can match. Try it anyway, it's so satisfying.

Dr Wommm ha detto...

Also, that's the best title for a blog entry I've seen for ages

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

Maybe it could work, if I resist the North American impulse to disregard the final 't' - it makes us sound like a bunch of PMSing showgirls when we try to use the word 'cunt'. . . Where's Henry Higgins when you need him?

Credit where credit is due - the title of the post was one of the slick lines Figaro used to woo me. Between that and a joke he used to tell about drinking glasses, apples and cocks, I was his.