I wish to continue to treat myself visually (and orally - oh yes - it's coming with me everywhere today) to this Baker Street 'Midnight Madness' cake, just as I continue to treat my ears to Benjamin Biolay. Track 7 of Négatif, "Little Darlin,'" is the prettiest thing I've heard in ages and the remix of the bluegrass track through it brings out what I've always liked about bluegrass while leaving out all the annoying buzzes and pointy things that never have enough bass to give them a context. Anyways, it's so very good. Négatif is copy protected. I don't mind that - on principle one should buy rather than borrow an album this good. I'm just annoyed because I can't buy it. I guess I can pay to download it from somewhere, but in all honesty I, like Melbine, have my Luddite tendencies. I dearly like to have a CD to hold and put somewhere appropriate. Too many computers have crapped out on me for me to want to trust them with my music.
"Little Darlin'" is a song about offing oneself, which came up as a topic of conversation recently in the context of a person of my acquaintance who'd been more or less promising to, over a former relationship. Friends, initially supportive, are becoming alienated, feeling used and under-appreciated in their efforts to be there for him, which often end in "I hope you tell _____ what she's doing to me."
So when does one walk away? God, what a question, eh? As a general question it's ridiculous, of course, since every case is different.
But I think in this case some of the frustration of the people around him comes from confusion over being suicidal and being depressed. This person doesn't seem depressed in the medical sense. But in my experience depression and suicide don't have the direct causal link people think they do. The more the sad-ass stories about this person sink in, the more it seems like he's un-depressed enough to have the energy to actually do it. And at the same time, it's like he's furiously applying this energy to chase away the people who are there to support him.
Don't know why I'm going on about it, except it's disturbing me and I need to think about it in general terms to deal with it. Damn: I wish people paid less attention to relationships sometimes. North American society has got to a point where romance is the only really obligatory passion and that's pathetic. Not in the case of this person particularly, but in the broader scheme. Thinking of killing yourself over a peice of ass . . . I don't blame him for it or anything like that, he's suffering and he's sick right now, and not knowing him well enough to have ended up taking care of him in any way I can feel bad for him without feeling annoyed. But I do rather blame the world around him for making it seem like an okay idea.
Yesterday I heard from my favourite kid student from Paris. She's hitting puberty now and dealing with drama over her first boyfriend. It fucking begins so young . . . I told her not to take seriously anything anyone her age, including boys, says for the next ten years. I love that kid like a neice so I hope she listens. Love + drama + dissappointment = silly pigshit. God, it's awful to think of the kids in my family or old students getting sucked into these so-called adult romantic notions. Arts and crafts are so much more fun. Sigh.
19 commenti:
Man, I just lost a really long comment (maybe there was a reason - too long!). So to summarize:
1. That cake made me go and scarf down a handful of chocolate chips. Talk about Pavlovian!
2. As for the question of one does one walk away...I think when you're not doing anyone any good anymore, least of all yourself. You can't let the person drag you down into the murky waters with them. That almost happened to me once and it's the only time I've ever walked away from someone. I could feel the life force being sucked right out of me. Some people truly will take all that you have to give. It sounds horrible, but you've gotta take care of yourself first and foremost.
3. How old is your former Parisienne student? I wasn't allowed to utter the word boyfriend until I turned 16. I think that's a good rule!
She's 10. 11 in Korea because they measure age from conception rather than birth. I had a boyfriend when I was 10. He broke my heart when I was 12 and I don't think I've ever broken my heart over a boy so badly since. What a shitty age that was in some ways, but in others so very fun.
Yeah, rules are meant to be broken. I had a boyfriend for a week when I was 12 (he got his ass dumped at first recess!) and a boyfriend for a month when I was 14. But that was over the 2-week Christmas holiday, so really it was about 2 weeks. And I'd run the other way when I'd see him in the halls. Can anyone say 'NOT READY!'?
Ah, running in the opposite direction. Those were the days.
I don't think you can put an age on these things. The more you deny a girl the chance to date the more she will try. I had my first boyfriend when I was in preschool. I dumped him because he said he didn't ever want to get married. That "relationship" didn't mean anything. Neither did the ones when I was older when I was "going out" with Luc or Brad or David because these boys still wore sweatpants and didn't know a thing about girls. I was innocent and was pretending to be grown up. We tried kissing but it was gross.
I remember I had a boyfriend in Grade 8 who was in Grade 9 and I found out that he had had sex with someone! I pretended to be angry and dumped his ass (only to date him again in high school) but I felt badass at the time. That was my first experience with a grown up relationship and I wasn't in it. He held my hand and wrote love notes to me on Sunday during church but on Saturday night he was out with his friends drinking and trying to get laid.
My point is that we may talk big as girls but we're only mirroring what we see in the media. I "remember" getting my "heart broken" in grade 7 but it wasn't an adult emotion. It was that the boy in the band dumped me for no reason. I was capable of feelings of hurt and rejection but I wasn't able to feel heartbroken to the point that it would hurt me for more than a week.
Call me an emotional retard, but what's heartbreak but feelings of hurt and rejection?
I guess for grown-ups there's the idea of how hard it is to let go of a plan - letting go of a vision of a future à deux - but where God slams a door shut in your low-down, cheating, dirty face, he opens a window.
I think heartbreak is just a lack of vision, and kids get over it faster because they've got more imaginative vision. But ask me again next time I've had my heart broken.
No, I don't agree that heartbreak is a lack of vision. In fact, if anything, vision/imagination can make heartbreak much worse - you're not just losing the partner you have (had) now, but you're losing your entire potential future with that partner.
The last bad heartbreak I went through, that was the worst part - not the current pain, but all the future pain that I was imagining.
You don't always get a window opened. Sometimes it is just a hard slam in the face, and nowhere to go but back down the cold and lonely hall you got there by.
And 10? Jesus! I was still into horses and hobbits and couldn't even conceive of being into a boy. But I agree with you, the pressure of Romantic Love as the be-all and end-all of existence is completely over the top. And probably more harmful than it is good.
Also, there's a big difference between actual suicidal impulses, and *threats* of suicide. Especially threats of suicide used as emotional blackmail to get a lover back.
I'd show absolutely no truck with that. And do a pavlovian response thing whereby any threats of that kind of emotional blackmail result in immediate withdrawl of the needed attention/affection - and say so.
I went to Catholic school, Boom, and Catholic school is the last place to send your daughters if you don't want them to be precocious sluts. As soon as I got seriously pubescent Mum had me out of there like a flaming Pop Tart out of a toaster.
I don't think this person is getting any more truck from his friends. It's rather too hard the friends have had to make that choice.
Eh? Where did the Catholic school comment come from? That "Jesus!" was just an exclamation. You know like "ohmigod!" or something.
Girls who went to religious schools either come out totally closeted weirdoes with more complexes than a business park, or else screaming nymphos.
My verifying word is "eeeyrpns" - this strikes me as funny.
Oh, I'm just using having been a Catholic schoolgirl as an excuse for living the love affair of my life when I was 10, while I should have been thinking about things like go-carts and ponies.
Well, Mistress can vouch for me, I don't think I'm either a closeted weirdo OR a screaming nympho! 15 years in the Catholic school system didn't do me any damage, besides that period of my life where I wanted to be a nun...but that's another story!
Anyway, back to something that Sugarplum said, "The more you deny a girl the chance to date the more she will try." I don't think that's necessarily true! I think it completely depends on the individual. In that sense she's right that you can't put an age on these things. Yes there was that rule, no dating until 16, but I was fine with that anyway! It was a good excuse actually to avoid anything serious with scary boys.
I don't mean scary literally of course..
Well, not a *screaming* nympho. You're no monkey but you know what you like.
I didn't know Melbine went to Catholic School, or you either Mistress! So did my dude. I'm surrounded by screaming nymphos!!!!
I wish I were still 10 when I thought it would be glamourous to have a boyfriend but didn't want to talk to boys. I'd enjoy it more the second time around.
Only until the end of grade four. Mum didn't like my prospects after that - I think I was talking about the nun thing out loud.
Your mom is brilliant. Mmmm. Makes nice coffee too.
She is brilliant. Especially since, as you say, she makes bitching coffee now when up until her mid-twenties she never drank anything but instant. Amazing, no?
I could have sworn you knew that about me Sugarplum! You're right, it was fun to be 10 and love the idea of a boyfriend but hate the notion of actually having to go through with it! I mean, beyond admitting to each other that you liked each other. :)
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