'Allo, 'allo?

Testerday I went to the doctor because of a dreadful stabbing sort of pain in my throat. 'Probably your thyroid,' she said, 'and I think maybe I feel a lump,' freaking me the fuck out with visions of radiation and goiters and cancer and scars and everything as she prescribed me an ultrasound. The thing is I'm very vain of my neck; it's a really awesome neck. Also I'm really into not dying of cancer. Went home. Stayed here today, working from here. The F-word's day off. He made a batch of acidophillus-rich yoghurt, I ate it like a greedy little pig, and now the dreadful stabbing pain is nearly gone. So yeah, it was probably just some sort of retarded, gross fungal infection. And the lump? The F-word felt it. It's my mannishness in action. An eensy weensy vestigial Adam's apple that's always been there, in the ten years he's been admiring my neck with his hands.

Look, I read Bad Science, I'm down on the homeopathy rip-off, I've got a cancer-survivor buddy who got hepatitis from a natural remedy, I'm into all that. But if the dreadful stabby problem with my throat was just some retarded, gross fungal infection and my mannishness in action and not a thyroid problem and a lump, well, geez. It's obviously not that I'd be disappointed, obviously I'd be thrilled, and obviously it's a doctor's job to rule out the worst things first so that serious problems don't go untreated, and obviously I'm lucky to always live in countries with good enough medical systems that I can get ultrasounds really fast after doctors say I need one.

But, you know, holy fuck. No wonder naturopaths can drum up all sort of hate and fear against what they call 'allopaths'. Okay, you need more than a good bedside manner to help people out, but would it really hurt to have sound medical knowledge and a good bedside manner? Would it hurt to say 'it might be your thyroid' and also 'it might not - try eating yoghurt and watching your diet while you're waiting for the tests to come out'? Oh, fuck it. I just think it's funny doctors get so fucking huffy about naturopaths when they could quash the naturopathic industry in a heartbeat by engaging, just a little bit, in the lifestyle and emotions of their patients.