venerdì, marzo 30, 2012

Give me the drugs

You know what's remarkable about pregnancy in modern media? Nobody ever tells you how miserable and rotten the first trimester is. From all accounts so far it seems nothing blows like the first three months and the last two weeks, when the baby is too big for the tummy and kicking the shit out of you, and otherwise it seems reasonably pleasant. But nobody likes the first trimester, I get told now that I'm smack in the middle of it myself.

First and worst is the constant worry because the odds at this point are really only a B (75%) that this embryo inside you is going to go to term. I've never been satisfied with Bs and I'd like a surer bet. But there's nothing for it. If the egg was badly flawed or the winning sperm was badly flawed it's just not going to happen, which is perfectly natural and perfectly right, but goddamn, is it ever a headfuck. Especially these days in which I find myself are worrisome. My midwife sister-in-law tells me the odds of not carrying to term go right down if you make it past weeks six to ten. Yeah, okay, great, I'm in week six, so I get to spend the next month shitting myself if I get a tummyache.

Anyways, considering the body spontaneously aborts something like 30% of the fertilised eggs it gets going just for not being good enough, I'm wondering how long it'll take for pro-lifers to start arresting healthy uteruses, the most ruthless aborters of all. But that's a rant for another day.

Then there's the puking of course, and the worries attendant on that. In a situation where you'll eat anything that you think is likely to stay down, it's hard to think about actual nutrition in a useful way for either mother or child. I have a good appetite for:

1. Bacon
2. Tornado rolls from Spring Rolls
3. Sriracha hot sauce
4. More bacon

You know what the nutritional value of that is? The F-word and I actually usually eat almost obsessively well. I mean, no ingredients we don't recognize, as much as possible from scratch, etc. etc. But at this point I'd eat MSG-flavoured android cock if I thought I wouldn't puke it back up. There is something distressing in that, to the purist part of my Jessica-brain that's nervous about over-processed food. But put a plate of crispy store-bought bacon in front of me and it is gone in three minutes, nitrates and all, fuckin' gone, Purist Jessica being reduced to an annoying little background tweet as Pukey Jessica and Hungry Jessica wade into it, mouth-open. In a way it's reassuring; I'm still planning to spend the first month of the second trimester in Shanghai, and anything that doesn't have pig in it there is either Uighur food or not food.

So I got a prescription for a sort of anti-puking pill called Diclectin, whose mechanism doesn't seem too frightening - it's more or less an antihistamine combined with a B vitamin - and started it last night. Today it seems to be working, and I have high hopes of being able to choke down some sort of vegetable product that isn't part of a B-heavy BLT. But of course I'm nervous about that, too. So many historical horror stories about anti-puking medication turning out babies with dreadful problems. Nevertheless I'm taking it. It turns out I have more or less zero patience with severe discomfort. Any bets on how fast it'll take me to demand an epidural, given I'm presently absolutely opposed to getting one, but apparently seem to be one of the biggest sucky babies in the universe?

7 commenti:

Baywatch ha detto...

gotta love that MSG-flavoured android cock!

e.f. bartlam ha detto...

" patience with severe discomfort."

Oh, my, my.

Chris ha detto...

Congratulations!! .. I haven't been by your blog in a little while and this is the first post I've read.

Pregnancy and the first trimester sucked for me. I too had to take pills for nausea because I ended up loosing 15 lb in the first month or so. As far as food I'm right there with you: we're all about eating as little meat as possible, grass fed, as much produce and fruit organic as possible, minimally processed, etc .. HOWEVER, you need food now more than anything so whatever sounds good (except for listeria-warning foods) if you can keep it down, go for it. Good news is that nausea will probably go away sometimes in the 4th month by itself. And the risk of those pills increases with the age of the fetus so 1st trimester they are fine to take generally.

I've been through this twice so if you have any questions Google can't answer no matter how strange they may seem, email me! This time around, for example, the 2nd trimester turned me into friggin Bride of Chucky with all sorts of violent thoughts towards myself and others and I really felt like I had no one to talk to who wouldn't judge me (other than hubby) which sucks.

Feeling discomfort from constant nausea is very different from being in labor. Don't plan on that epidural yet ;)

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

Thanks Chris - I feel a little less like a baby now. And a little less like a pre-emptively shitty mum for enjoying Cheez Whiz so much.

e.f. bartlam ha detto...

You can't seriously be worried about being a good mother...that kids "lucky" to have you.

At least based on what I know of you...granted it's limited but, you can tell some things about people this way.

The kid will have a potty mouth...but, other than that...


Dread Pirate Jessica ha detto...

Well, I'm super-worried about whether or not I'll be a good mum. I'm not a drunk from Saskatoon so there are some inbuilt advantages here, but I am as lazy as shit and self-centred as a cat. I guess I'm not the mother I would have chosen for myself (who, BTW, is my actual mother). But thanks for the reassuring words!

e.f. bartlam ha detto...

Those are the traits that will keep you from being one of those hyper-moms.