domenica, ottobre 28, 2012

The body socio-economic

The crib is side-carred and equipped with a nice new mattress, the car seat is installed, the hospital bag is packed, the maternity leave replacement is fully briefed; in fact outside of thumb-twiddling and worrying I'm not sure there's a great deal else to do. The lady who will cleaning our house for a couple of hours each week is coming in tomorrow, my will needs witnessing and sending off to my executor. And on Friday I think I had contractions. They really sucked. I realized for the first time that this is really likely to hurt an awful lot. So the upshot is that I can't wait to have this baby, whilst dreading the actual process.

Well, moving on. I feel like this week we're taking two very significant steps toward joining the middle classes. First is that as mentioned we're hiring someone to come in for a couple of hours a week to clean. That is going to be awesome. We've fallen into some gender stereotypes here that are ill-suited to us and I think hiring a professional and splitting the costs is the only way out without me wanting to skewer the F-word's balls and have a nice BBQ with them before his frightened eyes. Second is that we're installing a hand spray bidet, like what south Asians and Scandinavians have. Like one of these. The baby and the cloth diapers were the excuse but the truth is we've wanted one for ages. Why wipe when you can rinse?

Another thing that the baby is excusing is me buying a deydrator, which arrived today. One of my aunts, who has since lost her marbles, had one, and made the loveliest sun-dried tomatoes without having to fart around with leaving them in a half-open oven like my parents did (here, of course, actual sun drying is as impractical as it was in northern Ontario; it's jungly and humid and they'd just go off or be stolen by lizards) so I've wanted one for ages. The excuse for that one is needing to dry, pulverise and encapsulate my placenta. Too many people who I take seriously have reccommended it for me not to, and on top of that this is probably my one and only chance to eat human flesh without having to face any disturbing moral dilemnas. Coz it's mine. And it does seem like a lot of bother to spend nine months growing a perfectly healthy organ and then just incinerating it with all the other medical waste.

Anyways, I'm going to go practice on some bananas now.

2 commenti:

e.f. bartlam ha detto...

Martha says don't worry about the'll know your ready when the the misery of being pregnant is greater than any pain you can imagine. Oh Joy! She says it's the Lord's way of getting women beyond the fear. Oh Joy Joy Joy.

Are those pills USDA approved?


Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

I guess I owe the Lord some thanks then, though I still don't have a good explanation for men just having to ejaculate to get the action to this stage.

I don't know . . . does the USDA let you eat people?