It's finished. It's printed. It's delivered. It's gone. Well, three of them are gone. One of them is with me. I've been showing it to everybody, like photos of my grandkids. You know, I was completely wrong to compare this to a dead-on-its-feet relationship. I love you, little thesis, with your nice laser pages and your pretty maps and exhaustive references. I luuuuuuuuuuv you. I know you only hurt me because you love me too.

It's the joke of all time that I'm at work. I can't even talk.

I have J'attendrai stuck in my head, because I've heard the Dalida disco version a few times and the smoking hot captain in Das Boot listened to another. For once, I like the French words better than the Italian words. Obviously because I'm a bird who's been flying away, and who now needs to seek unconsciousness in her nest, because I haven't slept in a few days. But thinking about that for two minutes, I don't know how to translate 'l'oubli'. It just occurred to me it could also mean the forgotten one, right? Like, the other bird the bird who flies away flew from? And there's no-one I'm in a hurry to fly back to today. Maybe tomorrow. These things come and go, don't you know.

So, if you know me you probably have a good idea of who I'm voting for. Let me show you something that is having absolutely no impact on my decision in any way, except to think dude's a fucking dick:

>>>Michael Moore Statement on Canadian Election>>

Michael Moore is currently in production on his next movie. As an avid lover of all things Canadian, he has issued the following statement regarding Canada's upcoming election on Monday:

Oh, Canada -- you're not really going to elect a Conservative majority on Monday, are you? That's a joke, right? I know you have a great sense of humor, and certainly a well-developed sense of irony, but this is no longer funny. Maybe it's a new form of Canadian irony -- reverse irony! OK, now I get it. First, you have the courage to stand against the war in Iraq -- and then you elect a prime minister who's for it. You declare gay people have equal rights -- and then you elect a man who says they don't. You give your native peoples their own autonomy and their own territory -- and then you vote for a man who wants to cut aid to these poorest of your citizens. Wow, that is intense! Only Canadians could pull off a hat trick of humor like that. My hat's off to you.

Far be it from me, as an American, to suggest what you should do. You already have too many Americans telling you what to do. Well, actually, you've got just one American who keeps telling you to roll over and fetch and sit. I hope you don't feel this appeal of mine is too intrusive but I just couldn't sit by, as your friend, and say nothing. Yes, I agree, the Liberals have some 'splainin' to do. And yes, one party in power for more than a decade gets a little... long. But you have a parliamentary system (I'll bet you didn't know that -- see, that's why you need Americans telling you things!). There are ways at the polls to have your voices heard other than throwing the baby out with the bath water.

These are no ordinary times, and as you go to the polls on Monday, you do so while a man running the nation to the south of you is hoping you can lend him a hand by picking Stephen Harper because he's a man who shares his world view. Do you want to help George Bush by turning Canada into his latest conquest? Is that how you want millions of us down here to see you from now on? The next notch in the cowboy belt? C'mon, where's your Canadian pride? I mean, if you're going to reduce Canada to a cheap download of Bush & Co., then at least don't surrender so easily. Can't you wait until he threatens to bomb Regina? Make him work for it, for Pete's sake.

But seriously, I know you're not going to elect a guy who should really be running for governor of Utah. Whew! I knew it! You almost had me there. Very funny. Don't do that again. God, I love you, you crazy cold wonderful neighbors to my north. Don't ever change.

Michael Moore


Gosh, that letter is inspiring in its inappropriacy. In fact, it's inspiring me to write quite an emotional letter to a man I've never met.

Dear Michael Moore:

In Bowling for Columbine, you showed serious disrepect for the truth not only when you presented some slightly sauced chick in a bar and a 21 year old Starbucks pedant as typical non-door-locking Canadians, but worse, when you ignored the copy-cat killing that took place in Alberta soon after the Columbine massacre. I think you ignored it because contradicted your central idea about America's violence being about fear and not self-righteous jerkdom combined with easy access to firearms. You strike me as the sort of man who would be happy to adjust the facts to suit his thesis, even if it meant treating the death of some poor highschool kid like something that didn't and couldn't happen. You also strike me as the sort of man who would fire off a ridiculous, condescending letter to my country because a Conservative majority would make the ideas of Columbine look dated and even sloppier. You know. As a jerk.

Of course that incident may have escaped your fine-tooth research comb because the perp could only get his hands on a rifle (gun control laws, ya know?) so there was only one death. But if that was the case, then instead of being a jerk, you'd just be a dick. The sort of dick who'd naturally assume Canadians are as ignorant of the nature of their political system as Americans.

Either way, nothing could make me vote Conservative this year, but your letter made me think about it.

Stop being a dick, you jerk,

Mlle La Spliffe

All of which is a way for me to say, vote the way you think is best. That's what democracy's about. But really, voting Conservative just because they aren't Liberals is a touch petulant. I hope whoever votes Conservative does it for real ideological reasons. No matter how half-baked, stupid, and self-defeating they are.