I've been told that bickering is an inevitable symptom of an established, comfortable relationship; just one of those degenerations that come with time like a flabby midriff or nostalgia for pop music that was already shitty the first time around. And that's fine. Maybe if I had bickered with my men more, our communication would have been better and the relationships wouldn't have ended in the somehow anticlimactic freakshows they did. So good. Good for you for communicating. That's well done.
Sadly, when you bicker in front of me, and I am a captive audience who can't get away from your established, comfortable communication, I'm not thinking what a healthy relationship you have, I'm thinking of what a massive dick you sound. I'm thinking, "My god, how can he/she be such a bitch that he/she is willing to belittle his/her lover in public like this?" Or "holy FUCK, is he/she still talking about THAT? How is it possible to be that fucking petty?" Or "sweet Jesus, is he/she trying to make him/her angry and jealous on purpose? What the hell?"
What I'm trying to say is that when you bicker publicly, you're turning your absolute worst face to the world; your arrogant, insecure, vicious, angry, nasty face. Now, I can see that perhaps you'd want to avoid hypocrisy, and think perhaps that if you bicker privately it's only reasonable to bicker publicly as well. So good. Good for you for avoiding hypocrisy. That's well done. But as you bicker in front of me, I'd like you to bear three things in mind:
1. I'm finding out uncomfortable things about your personality that I'm not going to forget as soon as you stop bickering.
2. I'm blow-my-own-head-off bored and wishing to Jeebus there was someone, anyone else in the captive situation to talk to. Anyone. I'd fucking take Bill O'Fucking Reilly.
3. And finally, just - fucking - once a week or something, get a little outside of yourself while you bicker and ask yourself if these are things you'd say or ways you'd act towards your worst fucking enemy. I don't know if that would stop you from bickering but it might help you appreciate your lover a little more.
Mistress La Spliffe