Last night the Red Dragon, or Phyllis as I think I’ll start calling her, arrived. I can risk the fisrt-name familiarity because Phyllis, instead of her standard innard-mangling and emotional manipulation, seems to be curling up for a nice little nap in my tummy. You see, as my regulars are aware the past little while has seen me develop a strong honey fetish. This may be to assuage my bitterness over my lack of figurative honey (can't believe how long I’m going nookie-free for Figaro, frankly it’s perverted) or over the present state of international affairs.
Whatever. After I went to the farmer’s market this morning I went to Honey World, even though I knew I already had more than enough honey at home. I’m wearing a tit shirt today and obviously, my fetish being what it is, I was as fascinated by the huge range of Provençal, Tasmanian and Kiwi honey on display as an Italian man in a stiletto store. Maybe because of this or just because he’s a stand-up guy the operator made me sample almost every honey they have in stock. It was fucking sick, ladies and gentlemen, sick like good. While each of the honeys was beautiful in its own way, here are some interesting ones that came up (all described suitably hyperbolically on the product page):
1. Manuka honey - Ugh . . . ugh? I was really excited to try this as I love the smell of tea tree oil on about three different levels, but predictably enough it had an awfully medicinal taste. Oddly, the MEDI-line manuka honey with bee venom and glucosamine tasted less medicinal; I would actually eat it recreationally, while I'd only keep normal manuka honey to stir into lemon water when I had a cold.
2. Thyme honey - oh my god, what a fucking treat. This is like eating flowers; the aroma of the thyme fills your sinuses as the pale, delicate honey melts in your mouth. This will definitely be my next purchase.
3. Pohutukawa honey - the operator claimed this was Queen Victoria's favourite, which makes sense - so smooth, so silky, no offensive quality at all. It's exactly what normal store-bought white honey would be in Heaven. But not exciting. Mangiacake honey, in other words. But I'd never, even turn my nose up at it.
4. Chestnut honey - with the thyme and the tea tree, you can taste the smell of the plant; with the chestnut honey, you can taste the taste of the fruit. And I love chestnut, so that makes this honey a fucking delectation for me. Sort of heavy and nice.
5. Honeydew honey - this is awesome because it tastes like molasses without tasting like molasses. I like molasses, but this is like molasses you pour into a glass and drink.
The honey I fell in love with and bought without a second thought was the Tasmanian Leatherwood honey. Fuck knows what kind of tree that is - here's what Wikipedia has to say about the genus - but when I told the operator I had a jones on for a tree honey this is what he fed me. It's almost a little spicy - it has this perfect little kick of an aftertaste - motherfucking fuck, is it good! I required it. I required that fucking honey like a Frenchman requires garters.