I've decided 2010 is going to be insofar as possible a mental health spa of a year. Go to the weekly meetings, start analysis again, try to sleep more, save getting really high for occasions a bit more special than having had a hard day at work - they're all going to be hard days at work until work stops - basically try to get myself a little better-regulated. 2009 was a bit of a tough year in mental health terms with work diving into an even greater cross to bear than I had been expecting, and I'd been expecting things to get quite cross.
Of course it was my boss disappearing, making things about twice as difficult in practical terms, and horribly different in emotional terms - coming in every day and sitting in my desk next to his empty desk, his Chupa Chups and slippers and fucking Ribena waiting for him - just waiting. HR Goddess was going to clean it out until being told his mum is coming to the city soon to deal with his apartment; she thinks his mum may want to see it - even clean it out herself - none of us know how these things need to be dealt with emotionally. How could we? Luckily this is a horrid, freak occurrence that really doesn't happen often enough to make it into any manuals.
You know, I'm quite sure he's dead but once in a while that's still tempered by not believing that this is happening.
They're going to replace him soon and I suppose I'll believe it then - although soon, in these terms, is not likely to be soon, since they need someone with quite a lot and a specific sort of experience, and the woman who's doing the choosing was an extremely good friend of my boss who worked closely with him for years and years, and will need to work closely with this next one for years and years, so she won't be too easy to please. I just hope to god that they rearrange the office when it happens. My whole 'not believing this is happening' shtick is aggravated by occasionally having a question about what I'm doing and looking up to ask him and realizing no - he's still not there. I think I'm going to lose it a bit if I look up to ask him a question and there's someone else there instead.
Anyways, so things continue dreadful but the thing is, that's life - and a lot of horrible things will happen, and a lot of lovely things will happen, and I want my brain to be capable of dealing with both categories with more or less grace.