lunedì, aprile 30, 2012

The meaning of joy

Feeling a little grim. My blood pressure is back up a bit this week and yesterday hit absurd levels at the doctor's before falling back. The doctor and I will be having a little confrontation this week, I think. They seem to be leaning toward putting me on medication, but thanks to a little privileged access to obstetric literature via the sister in law I know where my blood pressure is at the moment - even with the spike at the office - definitely wouldn't call for that if I was in Canada or if I was going to be staying here for the next two months. They've said that themselves. And it's not as though on my travels I'll be heading to darkest Africa - I'll be going to a series of cities bigger and with better medical resources than this one. So we will have to have a frank discussion about that, I think, when I go back there Friday.

The other reason I'm feeling grim about all this is that I can't get life insurance now. I've checked, and having this blood pressure while pregnant disqualifies me. Fuck, I should have got it before I got knocked up, but the F-word was just shooting too straight. Obviously that's grim. I'm not horribly worried but I know that my risk of pre-eclampsia is way higher than other women's, and that makes it quite a bit more likely I'll die and leave a baby for the F-word to fend for on his own. It's still a pretty unlikely prospect. Just more likely. I should have thought about it before. Oh well, it's done now. 

A symptom of how grim I'm feeling: yesterday morning was a bit of a freak-out. I had, basically, two hours of deja vu. It was quite pleasant, but being familiar with the mechanisms of seizures and brain problems through Lexie's mum it was also a bit unsettling. There've been no other signs of problems - no blank-outs, no dizziness, no smell or sounds hallucinations - just a very odd morning. But then, three times over the course of the morning, I experienced the most overwhelming feelings of joy, well-being, contentment with my life, and profound awareness of my love for the people in it - joy of that sublime degree where you feel it's not so bad if you die now, because everything's been really great and it's a really great universe you can trust.

And my reactions to these moments of unmitigated joy? "I'm having a stroke." For fuck's sake. So few moments of perfect happiness in life, I get three in one morning, and I have to react to them by thinking I'm having a fucking stroke.  I told the F-word about it when he got home, and he pointed out that I finally may be benefiting from the happy hormones now that I'm reaching the end of the first trimester, instead of getting my ass kicked all the time by the pukey tired ones. That honestly hadn't occurred to me. Somehow the idea that I was having a stroke made so much more sense. 

4 commenti:

e.f. bartlam ha detto...

Poor F-word...I's just happiness Spliff. No need to panic. It won't last...unlike Navin Johnson you will not have to be "like this" for the rest of your life. :)

Sucks about the life insurance...really.

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

I should be eligible when it goes back down. Just have to try really hard not to die in childbirth.

The insurance companies can't help with my lack of natural rhythm either.

Melbine ha detto...

Oh Darling, sorry to hear about the blood pressure troubles. I've been lucky with that! It's kinda crazy what our bodies go through to take a bundle of cells to a 6-10 lb. human being!!

Yes, make damn sure that you don't die in childbirth!! Thank you. :)

ps - re. happy hormones during pregnancy, F-word has a good point. My hormones are more of the rage against the machine variety, but I suppose some women get over-the-top happy and blissful!

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

Thanks sweetie, but it's really not too bad. I am on medication now, but it's a very low risk one, and at an absolutely minimal dosage. Everything should be fine!