mercoledì, maggio 31, 2006

Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?

Argh. A heatwave. May. Toronto. Hey, everybody, how about 2006 is the year we admit the environment is completely fucked up? Because this is some fucked up shit. My brain is turning into mush, threatening to erupt out the ears and eyes, and my body just wants to lie still. I'm considering grabbing a kife and sawing off all my hair to get some relief. This better be the flu and not an inability to adapt to stinking hot weather, because, as pointed out, IT'S STILL GODDAMN MAY.

Toronto is gross. Last summer I didn't notice, probably because I was smoking yummy cigarettes which disabled my body's stupid defensive reactions to noxious environmental conditions that its stupid defensive reactions can't do anything about. Fucking – awesome – cigarettes. Why do they make me puke now? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? Anyways, now that I'm living all clean and shit, the environmental pollution is rubbing down my throat like a cheese grater. It's ugly, too. The sunny sky is sepia. Maybe when I run away with Figaro we can live close to the sea, or somewhere windy, where the air doesn't turn into a thick gooey stew as it stagnates over a big fucking standing noisesome puddle elevn million people dump their poo into.

What the fuck are we doing to our planet anyways? Canada is supposed to be clean - what the hell is Mexico City like? Why do people still have cars? How the fuck did I survive in Paris? Oh, never mind that last question – I survived in Paris by floating around in the grip of a nauseous ennui, wishing I was dead and hence not noticing the discomforts of living in a rathole. Fucking Paris. Why are the beautiful ones always crazy? And I suppose it's worse here than most of Canada because we're in the lower Great Lakes region and get all the industrialized farting of our country and much of the United States pooling over the afore-mentioned poo-filled puddle. Still - 2006 - let this be remembered as the year we stop fucking pretending everything is alright, okay?

In other, fucking splendid news, Figaro has an interview for a school here on Friday. I'm pink with pleasurable tickles – it's a good school and I don't want him to have to wait tables while he waits for me to get a job that pays real money so we can run away together. Mostly I'm just pleased stupid he got an interview so fast – I was afraid over the permit issue but hadn't factored in that his qualifications are insane. Besides, if that man can handle my booty, he can handle the world. And he handles. He can practically juggle that jelly. In a sense it's good he's not here right now though. I'm so fucking hot, if anyone touched my skin I think I'd scream.

I don't think this is normal - I think I'm actually ill. Oh well, I'll show up to work anyways and if the air-conditioning doesn't make me feel better I'll come back here and try to get through the goddamn second season of goddamn Deadwood. Luckily the first two episodes of the second season seem to be quite shitty, noticeably more shitty than the first season. With luck, it'll keep being shitty and I won't have to watch the third season - I have no hope of it being so shitty I don't have to watch the rest of the second.Ah cahn't miss a minute of mah story. Fucking soap opera shit.

8 commenti:

Masonic Boom ha detto...

Awww, why the hate for Lake Ontario? OK, I only know it from the other side and there are mountains and finger lakes to fan pleasant breezes. (Ah, Upstate NY, I miss you... not!) Canada's icky in the summer, though, I remember that.

Crossing fingers and sending good luck vibes for Figaro.

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

The American side of the lake seems much pleasanter than the Canadian one. I think most of our country's population lives within a couple hundred km of me, and you know how filthy mobs are. Even Canadian ones.

Thanks for the crossed fingers and luck vibes - they won't be wasted!

Melissa ha detto...

That's why I'm not touching the G.T.A. with a 10 foot pole. I will never live in that part of the world! Rock on Bruce County, you're looking better every day. :) Even Ottawa's pretty gross right now and we're nowhere near such massive bodies of water as the Great Lakes.

I really, really hope Figaro gets the job!

I can tell that you're suffering through the heat wave - but barely! You're swearing like a trucker, as opposed to just your normal amount of cursives. ;)

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

I think you're thinking right, there, Melissa. Maybe I'll go back to that goat farming idea after all - could you scout out the Bruce for somewhere goat-friendly we can take our millions of dollars of ill-gotten gains in a few years?

Deadwood has something to do with my pottymouth too. I heard people play a drinking game with it - a shot every time someone says "cocksucker" - and I swear that'd make you drunker than when we played that Dukes of Hazzard drinking game that deteriorated into "I see his bum! Drink!" Man, that was fun.

Melissa ha detto...

Ha-ha! Bum... Didn't that game start out with drinking every time the car horn went off?

Most of Bruce County is goat-friendly I'd say. I'm looking for something right along Lake Huron myself. With a road that's closed every other day in the winter due to inclement weather.

I better go and check on Tink's food. I'm making him carrots today. It's a lot easier to make baby food than I thought. If someone as lazy as me can do it, anyone can!

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

You know, I don't know what the rules started out as. I seem to recall they were something quite formalized that made really good sense, and then the Wild Turkey and John Schnieder's ass just overwhelmed everything.

Figaro is too much of an antipodean for inclement whether :-( He's told me about a place called Queensland that we both might like - sounds like the Bruce, except antipodean and with jungles or something. As long as I can keep goats and shoot beer cans off a fence, I'll find a way to make it work.

Lady ha detto...

yay to shooting beer cans off a fence. and yay to job interviews!!

think there's less pollution in Chicago? would Oprah live somewhere über polluted? hm...

because y'all know that i spend my days wondering, "what would Oprah do?"

Mistress La Spliffe ha detto...

Chicago is on Lake Michigan, gumdrop. I don't know how shitty the air quality is or isn't. You just wanted an excuse to say his name, didn't you? Chicaaaaaaaawgo.

Are you trying to antagonize me by mentioning Oprah on my blog? It won't work. I'm already being antagonized by my feverish body.