Ladeeeeez and Gentlemen,

I don’t think I’ve used my 27 years on this earth effectively; I’m a flawed, some might say retarded specimen, a disappointment to many and a pleasant surprise to few. But there are some things I’m proud of, among these my foreswearance of the drink’n’dial. The drink’n’dial is a bad idea; we all know it. We know it because anything we have to get drunk to say, we’re repressing. Whenever we repress things, we’re repressing them for a reason; a state of drunkenness is not the best wherein to decide if this reason is good or not. Not to say we shouldn’t get drunk and carry on, but anything we have to get drunk to say over the telephone is something we’re not only repressing, but something we still don’t have the fucking balls to say to a person’s face drunk. That makes a drink’n’dial a repressive irrepressiveness. A mouse roaring like a lion from a very safe distance. Jack McCall being a cunt to Wild Bill Hickok over a poker game. A pussy, in short.

This makes drink’n’dialling a forum for arguments best made sober and face to face like a MAN, fuck. I’ve had real issues to raise in the past when I’ve drunk’n’dialled, and I know other people have had real issues when they’ve drunk’n’dialled me. But I promise you there is no better way, besides drink’n’typing, to make your argumentation impossible to take seriously. Things I’ve discovered about drinking’n’dialling:

1. The angry ones never fucking work. You know why? Because you sound FUNNY when you angry drink’n’dial someone. But not funny-angry like Chris Rock. More funny-angry like a drunk girl trying to punch and kick her date at the same time. You’ve seen those, right? They’re funny, aren’t they? That’s what you sound like when you angry drink’n’dial. There is no way you’re making a point in this shape. Break some beer bottles on the pavement instead.

2. If you ever find yourself drink’n’dialling and you get an answering service, don’t leave a message. By the third word, the recipient will know it was a drink’n’dial. If they’re nice, they’ll skip and erase the message. If they’re not, they’ll put it on speakerphone and laugh at it with whoever they’re with. In either case, remember: the beep means hang up. The beep means hang up. The beep means hang up.

3. The horny ones are okay if it’s established the person you’re calling is BOTH awake AND horny for you too. If BOTH are not the case, masturbate.

4. The only other time a drink’n’dial is fine is if you’re drink’n’dialling a friend because something really awful/wonderful is happening. For example, if you’re really sad your boyf dumped you, drink’n’dial me; it’s better than you drink’n’dialling him. Or if you drink’n’dial me after getting a hotel room key from that fucking hot cop from the Oka standoff who did porn later, great. But bear in mind that you’re drunk as you do this, and what seems awful/wonderful to you may not impress who you’re calling. Be sensitive to their efforts to get off the line. They may have been asleep, coital, or uninterested.

5. The older you get, the harder your drink’n’dials get to respect. Nobody expects a 17-year-old to be packing the full set of balls requisite for dealing with life’s problems face to face; a 27-year-old, however, should be. Anything over and above, well, that just gives me a reason to get self-righteous, doesn’t it. And do you want me more self-righteous?

If you’re a chronic drink’n’dialler:

1. Being generally open with your emotions whilst sober lets you deal with the shit you drink’n’dial about without slurring and with a minimal use of the word ‘cunt’.
2. After you’ve been out for an hour, tap your front teeth. If you can’t feel them, promise yourself to only use your phone for practicalities until the next day.
3. Buy a cell phone that’s too complicated to use drunk. It worked for me!