Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy

Soon I'll be 29. On Sunday, to be exact. From the way people go on you'd think it wasn't a birthday at all because it's not my 30th yet. 29 is plenty for the moment, thank you. As I get older I realize it's not getting older that bothers me, so much as feeling more and more unactualized as time passes. 'Unactualized' - I think I made that word up. It's a very late November sort of word. Long, ugly, and meaningless. What I mean when I say it is that I feel I've painted myself into a living corner that bars me from doing the things that I'm best at and enjoy the most, while at the same time confuses me as to whether what I really want is to contribute something that helps celebrate the beauty of existence (good!), have everybody love me for my contributions (weak!), or not get sent to hell when I die because I've squandered my God-given talents (craaaaazy!).

I think I stopped analysis too soon, but my lifestyle right now has no point besides accumulating money so I can change my lifestyle as soon as possible. Money is dominant at the moment; I can't look at money-on-analysis as an investment because it looks like a siphon on my investments. And just because I think I need analysis doesn't mean I'm not still racked with doubts as to whether it's a big global scam or not. But the fact is even the people who love me the most can't give me the sort of help and encouragement I need right now. I suppose loving someone makes you want the best for them - not necessarily the happiest for them - for my parents, the way things are going for me now is just about the best way possible because I'm making the big bucks in a white collar job that 'goes somewhere' and enjoying a stable relationship. For the F-word, I'm squirreling away the acorns for an as yet undefined future period when we can let our artsiness burst out once more and leave this rat race behind. But for me, well, things are a pisser today and I'm sick of living for the future when I might get hit by a bus or a terminal illness. It makes me nervous and cranky.

Anyways. Speaking of money, yesterday my financial advisor asked me out. I think his intentions were honourable because he told me to bring someone else along too if I wanted. I said no anyways, because the place he asked me out to had a dress code and I don't believe in that. But I invited him and some other people along tonight to a soiree a guy from work who promotes on the side has organized - should be good - the music looks fantastic and I figure I can dance all the tedious concerns about 'unactualization' out of my head for the weekend, which will see various celebrations of my success in not getting hit by a bus or a terminal disease over the past little while.