I love love love my analyst. Last night, aside from the magical-fagical blah blah blah that isn't fit to print, we discussed my advisor still not having got back to me about a reference (two weeks isn't much time in terms of this man's responses, but it's slowing down my whole brain when it comes to the proposal). See, I’ve been educated to ignore my problems and hope they go away, but my lovely analyst won’t let me – he was all "He's French and passive aggressive! Maybe you'll have to grinfuck him some more!" (“Grinfuck” is my analyst's word for something between ass-kissing and glad-handing.)
I agreed, since this is an important enough thing to grinfuck for until my face bleeds, but I was really at a loss in terms of where else to go since I'd already praised the advisor’s teaching, writing, interviewing, advising ad nauseum (and in fairness, he IS a great writer and interviewer). So my analyst told me to Fed-Ex him some maple syrup before August, when everybody in France puts their brains in a jar for a month. So simple! But so right! Man, I love my analyst.
Moving on. When you realize once in awhile, say, "I've been happy for some time. . . why, I'm still happy!" does it make you feel sort of furtive, like you've slipped under a wire or something and it might get taken away? I do a couple of times a day . . . decided to just get used to the feeling and let it make me count my stars.
While I was in the Elysian Hills talking to a marvellous brown boy with azure eyes, I came up with a positive, if personal definition of happiness. This was while we were discussing how most people think of happiness in a negative way - safety from hunger, safety from loneliness, safety from oppression - and how reactions against this into luxury, hedonism and individualism don't make people happy at all. Happiness is strange. Negative things are strange. I think it would be lots of fun if we all spent the day thinking of what makes us happy in a positive sense - that is, to rip off Margaret Atwood's phrasing for a sec, thinking about what "freedom to"s we need and not what "freedom from"s we want. Because it's better than working.